Aldershot 1984
I first met Shaun during my RAF trade training in 1984; originally I thought we were kids from different backgrounds. There was a lot of love in both houses though, as I was later to find out, and we had a lot more in common too. When I think about it now, how we ever spoke was a mystery; 2 kids who weren’t supposed to speak at all. Him in the Navy, me in the Air Force, him from Yorkshire, me from Wales, him tall and athletic, me small and bookish. I had loads of ideas of who I wanted to be but in no means there or sorted, I suppose at 16 who ever was?
I first saw him in the NAAFI with his navy pals and being a bit of a loner back then I was there on my own. We clocked each other a couple of times and he smiled at me. But me being me, I didn’t smile back. That was that for then until the next time I watched for him leaving the navy barracks heading for the NAAFI. I used to sit in the window watching for him, will I ever talk to him I thought? I decided to give it a go, all my mates from the barracks had gone out on the town so I’d only be lying on my bed listening to my Walkman. We spent a lot of time glancing at each other but not smiling. I didn’t want to give off any vibes that I liked him, surrounded by loads of squaddies. He eventually plucked up the courage to come over and talk to me, I’d never have done that back then. He was lovely, broad Yorkshire boy, a bit younger than me but seemed older and more worldly wise than me, I was in awe of him. We talked about loads of things, he danced loads to the NAAFI disco, he called it Northern Soul dancing and I didn’t have a clue but it looked good! We arranged to meet and go to the pictures together that weekend, when most boys would go home for the weekend. I was so excited, I couldn’t concentrate on my training at all but wanted to tell the world about my new friend but couldn’t. Inter-service relationships were out of the ordinary and I was frightened.
Here comes the weekend I thought, I scrubbed up and wore nice clothes, put some aftershave on and we met outside his barracks. Talk about butterflies, my stomach was in knots! We had a couple of pints and went to the pictures; I really loved being with him. He made me feel really good about myself and was a happy soul. We sat down to watch the film and I just wanted to put my arm around him but couldn’t for obvious reasons. It seems stupid now when I think about it but we were servicemen and it was the 80’s, being Gay was illegal back then. He went for it though, his leg really pressing against mine, I got so excited. I pressed back it felt so right and so good. It was a first time experience for me and I was enjoying it. I did get nervous though and we left the cinema early. What could I do? I made a crap excuse that I had to go back to my barracks and just went and cried; a combination of nerves and raw excitement. When I think back about it now, I had fallen in love.
I avoided him for a few days but bumped into him one day and we played a game of pool in the Navy barracks, they had stuff like that whereas all we had was a bed and wardrobe. From there we had little contact, he invited me to his home town a few times but then after a few weeks we went our separate ways after training, me to the Falklands, him to his ship. We exchanged addresses promising to write and I thought nothing more of it, apart from the ache to see him again. I was lost, but being young and in the forces, the World seemed an exciting place for a boy from a small Welsh village.
A couple of months passed and I was onto new things. My sexual desire came to fruition, falling in love with a few people along the way, doing nothing about it but plenty of opportunities. Then it happened. I got a letter off Shaun and it all came rushing back to me. His letter was quite intimate, he’d obviously been discovering stuff about himself too and was hinting to it in his letter. It really got me excited; he was stationed in Thailand, sounded brilliant compared to the Falklands. He more or less declared his hand to me on how he felt about me. God what do I do now, we were in love and so far apart in a World where we wouldn’t be accepted. Excitement, fear, what if my letters are read (which they did then) I’m fucked if this gets out! I had to let him know how I felt though, not a day passed that I didn’t think about him, I wanted to tell the world I loved someone so gorgeous and I remember telling some close friends about this great mate I had in the Navy and when I think back they clicked there was something more to it, people just know sometimes don’t they? So I wrote to him, telling him I wanted to see him soon we had to hook up, I was aching for him.
A brilliant week
I just can’t describe how excited I was on the train to Barnsley. I’d booked a weeks leave and so had Shaun. I had a couple of cans to try and calm down but I was shaking, this was my first opportunity to really try the gay thing and I was only 17 and had a whole weeks leave to enjoy it.
The train took ages, 7 hours and it was the old slam doors in those days so it was really musty. I got to Barnsley, and Shaun was waiting there on the platform, a big smile on his face. He looked gorgeous, he’d grown up quite a bit since I last saw him; he had a tan and a worldly wise appearance that I thought only 18 months at sea would bring. His hair had grown a bit too which added to the impression of growing up.
“Hello mate” he said with a beaming grin “welcome to sunny Barnsley its fucking great to see you!” I couldn’t have asked for a better welcome. ‘Yeah likewise” I said as he squeezed my hand which sent an electric shock through my whole body. “Give me your bags, what the fuck you brought, this bags huge!” We only had our RAF holdalls in those days, always proud to have the squadron and station badge in the plastic window on the side of it. “I can’t wait to get you home” he said which made me feel a bit scared. “What about your parents?” I said, thinking it was going to be weird. “Don’t’ worry about them, they’re looking forward to meeting you.” That didn’t help, but we talked like the endlessly walking to his house, which took 45 minutes and was all uphill, good job we were both fit. Past the workingmen’s club, streets with kids playing and a rough council estate was my warm welcome, but coming from a small Welsh village this wasn’t alien to me, I felt at home. The house was not as I expected; he’d elaborated a bit as it was a simple 3 bed roomed semi. But still, it was what I was used to myself.
His mum was really welcoming, “cup of tea love?” as soon as I walked in. “Shaun’s been talking about you for days” she said. He looked at me and was bright red “don’t exaggerate mum”. “Your father won’t be long, he’s gone to get some cabbage from the allotment for tea”. With that Shaun ushered me upstairs to ‘unpack my bag’. I liked his room, with 2 single beds and a wardrobe with a few posters on the wall. Shaun grabbed me and hugged me, my god it was fantastic. His warmth was so enveloping and it was the first time I’d ever hugged someone with such meaning. “Lets put some music on” and with that he put a record on, ‘Pet Shop Boys Please’ album it was. He pushed me on the bed and got on top of me. We started kissing passionately, it was like it was electric and I was so turned on.
We had a great afternoon, talking, catching up and listening to music. It’s a time I will always remember with great fondness. Some tea, a bath and dousing in Paco Rabanne and we were off out for the night. “we’re meeting my mate Andy’ Shaun said, ‘plus a load of others’. The working mens club was a typical dive, like those I was used to at home and the NAAFI’s we were so used to. The night was a major piss-up, a great laugh and I couldn’t wait to get home, I knew what was in store. The walk back seemed like miles, and I was so excited. There was lots of bravado in the pub and Shaun said ‘I can’t wait to get home and do it again’.
We got into bed and I kept my pants on. We were both pissed and Shaun took his pants off before he got into his bed, “Lets sleep” I said, ‘I’m knackered its been a long day mate”. “Give me your hand then” Shaun said, and we held hands for ages, squeezing, entwining fingers and then he stretched over and kissed my hand so tenderly. This set the wheels in motion and I nervously invited him into my bed, saying he’d have to go back to his own before morning but hoping he wouldn’t. I pulled the blankets back, and he cuddled up to me giving me a kiss. The warmth of his body was something else; there was no central heating in the house so this made it feel even better on a cold night. For me, this was the first time I’d ever been naked in bed with another man, felt the beauty of skin on skin. We kissed more and I’ll never forget the embrace after an amazing night of sex, which I didn’t want to end. “You’d better go back to bed in case your parents come in,” I said. “My dad won’t come in and my mum won’t mind,” he said, and with that we went into a delicious pissed sleep, in each other’s arms all night. Sleeping two in a single bed had never felt so good.
His mum woke us up in the morning with a cup of tea; we were still in each other’s arms. She was really nice and asked if we’d slept ok, “yes” we both replied with a smile, nervously in my case. “What the fuck will she say?” I thought I’d be on the next train home but Shaun was cool about it. “She doesn’t mind as long as I’m happy,” he said which made me think ‘she knows then’. We got up with the promise of Shaun making me a cooked breakfast as his mum and dad went out to work. I asked if I could have a shower, but they only had a bath and no hot water. Shaun was so full of love he filled the bath for me with a kettle he must have boiled 20 times, it was a shallow bath, and I needed a good wash after the previous nights antics. “Let me wash you” and with that he gave my back a wash, and then climbed in with me. I washed him, making sure I washed him with the same gentleness he had shown me finishing with rinsing each other with a saucepan of bath water over each others head. We dried each other, quick, dressed and then out into town to see the sites of Barnsley.
The town was rough, lots of rough people, an open air market and shopping centre but I kept my opinions to myself. Having travelled a bit now, I’d seen a lot of places but this was probably closest to the type of place I came from. I bought myself a new t shirt from Burtons and we had a bag of chips for lunch. “ Lets go for a walk on the old railway” Shaun said. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining bright and we were feeling really brilliant. We walked across some old coal slag heaps, and onto the old railway line which was surrounded by lush green bushes, there wasn’t another soul around. Shaun grabbed me a kissed me hard on the lips and I clung onto him not wanting to let go. “I wondered why you brought me here” I said between kissing and with a big smirk on my face. We walked on a bit hand in hand, he wanted us to hold hands in the open air which I found exciting and scary at the same time in case we got caught. Nowadays its ok of course.
A tough decision
The week had gone really quickly, and before I knew it was time to leave and go back to Lossiemouth. To say my emotions were mixed plays down the soul searching I was doing that week. In the rare moments alone at Sean’s I battled with my feelings. ‘I can’t be gay I’m in the forces’ kept rearing its ugly head and I was shit scared of the implications. But I had fallen head over heels in love with this gorgeous boy; I wanted to be with him forever. I had some thinking to do and needed to make a decision fast, even the confused one it was sure to be; I’m famous for them.
Loads of drinking, laughing and beautiful moments with Shaun were rapidly coming to an end, and I really didn’t want it too; I could have stayed with him forever.
The time came for me to leave. We woke up in the morning, in each others arms and Shaun asked me to stay. “We can go AWOL together, lets fuck off somewhere brilliant” he said. The thought of it was heaven-like, somewhere quiet in the middle of nowhere where no-one could find us was really appealing. “There’s no way that could work” I said. “I’m only 17 and only just started in the Air Force”. He cuddled up to me as the time approached for us to part. The house was empty apart from us so we had a last bath together and got ready to go to the train station. It was a long walk there and on the way I told Shaun that we could never repeat the things we had done this weekend. I’d made my mind up to lead a straight life, no matter what it took being gay just wouldn’t work, how would I tell my parents and how could I continue a career in the forces?
We got the station, found my platform from the board and made our way there.
“Please don’t go like this” Shaun begged, the tears in his eyes broke my heart. “I love you,” he said and I was heartbroken too. But I’d made up my mind, I was going straight and nothing could stop me, it would never work anyway, two boys in the forces we’d be fucking crucified. The train was ready to go, I had to jump on quick and Shaun was sobbing, “please don’t go, please” but I got on. He held my hand through the window, kissed it gently and the train started moving. He let go, waving and crying “write soon” he said, “I’ll come and see you” and that was it. I didn’t know when I’d see him again but needed to shut my mind to it now. Yeah right, that’s easy isn’t it? The tears started, a few running down my cheeks at first but within minutes they came thick and fast, I was distraught and knew I would spend the rest of my life missing the friend who I loved but I know it just couldn’t work.